Tuesday, April 9, 2013


it's been... a very long time since i cooked for anyone.

takes a while to remember how, but so far no fires, which i guess is a plus. i didn't used to have time to cook in the Service, but i know how. had plenty of experience. Alex and i used to share cooking duties. whoever got home from work first had to cook. but the cook never cleaned. so it evened out. Alex... used to always say i was better with food. i always used to say it was Alex...

Leo... never had much in the way of complaints

apart from sandwiches, David is... clueless in the entire area. takes to the fast food menus faster than anything else. which is typical of our line of work... or, i guess, what used to be our line of work. most proxies don't even survive the first few months. why bother eating as though you have a future in store?

but... after our fight, i did... tell David i would try something

cooking was "something"

"something" that i could do to help. which i do so little of around here.

"something" that could fill time. occupy my mind.

"something" i could do with Em

i remember i scared that girl something fierce when we first came face to face. when she came into my room at the beginning... the beginning of my... "recovery". i was refusing to eat back then. refusing to talk. Em... did what kids do. started asking a million questions. wore down my patience which fell away into anger. i threatened her. the thought of actually hurting her had come to mind, only because it would have hurt David. and i wanted to hurt David at that point. because he was hurting me. by keeping me alive. stopping... every attempt i made to end it all...

but she just kept asking questions

i had a... bit of a meltdown

started hearing HIM again

i nearly did hurt her

i could have killed her

but she ran

i'm thankful she did

it's... difficult. being around a child. not far from what Leo's age would have been. i get... lost... sometimes. thinking. but i've been trying to help her with her... reading and writing when i can manage it. and math. trying to encourage her to ask questions. to question. anything. not to take things for what they are, but to wonder. to think. expand. theorize and discover. i've been trying to support that... but i'm not exactly a good ambassador for it...

i just... do what i can these days.

now she helps me with cooking. i've been teaching her how to read recipes, which is really all you need to do to make anything you want. the experimenting has already been taken care of - just follow the directions. not hard. and Em seemed... interested enough. liked making cookies especially. ran off to give a few of the first batch to "grandpa". she's... a good kid. idolizes everyone's favorite assassin. that much is plain to see.

its a shame that there's no possible way for her to escape The Life. she'll be involved. one way or another.

i just hope she doesn't make our mistakes.

especially mine

its... spaghetti and meatballs tonight

just hope i can remember Alex's recipe right

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